Laughing It Up on Purim
Its the Hebrew month of Adar. A time when laughter is practically a commandment. Heres a little Jewish humor to help you get in the hilarious spirit of Purim.
Of mice & menschen Three rabbis were talking over a regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together. Rabbi Ginsberg says, Oy! We have such a problem with mice at our shul. The gabbai set out all kinds of baited traps but they keep coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin? The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen replied, We have the same problem at our synagogue, weve spent all kinds of money on exterminators but the problem still persists. Any suggestions? The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg, looked at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen and said: Rabbis, we had the same problem with mice at our synagogue, we tried traps, exterminators, even prayers; nothing worked. Then we had a brilliant idea. When Shabbat came around, I went to the synagogue about an hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Well, soon a dozen mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. While they were feasting on the cheese I bar-mitzvahed all of them. And I never saw them in shul again!
Table Talk A Jewish couple won $20 million in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their home in the U.S. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four becaue they had invited the Cohens to brunch. They then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. Why eight? they asked the butler, since they specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys.
Where did I go wrong? A man is having a problem with his son and goes to see his rabbi. I sent him to Hebrew School and gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, says the man, and now he tells me hes decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong? Funny you should come to me, said the rabbi. I also brought my boy up in the faith and gave him a fancy bar mitzvah. Then one day he, too, tells me hes decided to become a Christian. So what did you do? asked the man. I turned to God for the answer replied the Rabbi. And what did he say? pressed the man. God said, Funny you should come to me
A White House Purim The first Jewish president of the United States has been inaugurated, and the first Jewish holiday that follows is Purim. So he calls up his mother to invite her to the White House for the holiday. Mom, I want you to celebrate Purim with us at the White House. Oh, I dont know. Ill have to get to the airport and Mom! Im the President of the United States! Ill send a limo for you to take you right to the airport! But when I get to the airport, Ill have to stand on line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oy, it will be so difficult for me. Mom, Im the most powerful person in the world. Ill send Air Force One for you!! But when I get to Washington, Ill have to find a cab and Mom, please! Ill have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring you right to the White House lawn!!! But where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room? Mom, we have this whole big White House. There will be plenty of room. Please join us for Purim. Ok, Ill be there. Two seconds later, she calls her friend: Hello, Sadie? Guess what? Im spending Purim at my sons house! Oh, the doctor? No, the other one.
Spiritual Advice A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybodyit was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the rabbi said, Heres what I want you to do: Put a folding chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the chair and the Bible to the waters edge, sit down in the chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do. A year later the businessman went back to the rabbi, bringing his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice. The rabbi, recognizing the benefactor, was curious. You did as I suggested? he asked. Absolutely, replied the businessman. You went to the beach? Absolutely. You sat in a chair with the Bible in your lap? Absolutely. You let the pages riffle until they stopped? Absolutely. And what were the first words you saw? Chapter 11.
Putting the Squeeze On The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried to do this over time weight lifters, longshoremen, wrestlers, etc.but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and dressed in a polyester suit came in and said in a high, squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet. After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, Okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowds laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, How did you do that? You lift weights, or what? The man replied, Im a fund raiser for the United Jewish Appeal.
A Russian Winter Its winter in Russia and the people are hungry. The town council announces that meat will be arriving so everyone gets on line to wait for the meat. After an hour of waiting in the snow and the freezing cold, the town council announces that there will be less meat coming then expected, all Jews go home. So, all the Jews leave the line. Another hour goes by and, again, the town council announces there will be less than expected food arriving, all non-communists go home. All the non-communists leave the line. Another hour, and the town council announces there will be no food arriving, everybody go home. As one man trudges home through the snow, he turns to his friend and says you see, the Jews always get to go home first!
The Census The census taker comes to the Goldman house. Does Louis Goldman live here? he asks. No, replies Goldman. Well, then, what is your name? Louis Goldman. Wait a minute didnt you just tell me that Goldman doesnt live here? Aha, says Goldman. You call this living?
How many? How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb? Fourone to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.
Laughing It Up on Purim
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